Visual Novel Playthrough Things

So because I haven't slept in like twenty hours I've decided to make a detailed log of my adventures through the wonderful and horrifying world of the visual novel. I'll start with one and move on to others if this dumb bullshit actually takes off.

Fate Stay/Night, aka Pooper Plunder Quest
"I hate sex and everyone who has it!"

- Shirou Emiya, who later has sex

Fate Route
So my first playthrough stars Shirou Emiya, a sexually-repressed Scientologist living in Japan. He wants to be a magus, but lacks any discernible talent and spends most of his time living in a shed inserting metal pipes into his anus with the misguided belief that he'll gain magic powers. He was saved at a young age by a passing sociopath named Kiritsugu who died of disappointment five years ago, and is currently looked after a woman who is also a tiger, and Sakura Matou, who seems to be his slave or something. After hanging around with his best friend/serial rapist Shinji Matou and rejecting sexual advances from President Issei Ryuudou, he is attacked by a flamboyant man with a spear and returns home to carry out his experiments to create the perfect waifu. Unfortunately, his plans went awry as he accidentally summoned Saber, who proceeded to not do very much and job like hell against everyone. A devout hater of women, Shirou just wants to live at home and continue to be a loser, but is dragged into the Fifth Holy Grail War when Rin Tohsaka, a girl with a supposedly dirty anus, bugs the hell out of him and takes him to a priest who says some cryptic shit and generally acts creep as fuck for a while.

While trying to abandon Rin on his way home, Shirou is attacked by Illya, a girl with crazy eyes whose servant has all the powers of advanced nanomachines. Shirou gets nearly cut in half, but unfortunately survives. The next day, Rin won't get the fuck out of his house and bitches at him for trying to make a heroic sacrifice before agreeing to join forces, as otherwise Shirou would most likely eat shit and die like he did the previous night. He then stares at Saber and forgets to breathe for so long that he passes out, such is her beauty and his barely-concealed boner. After wondering where she got her clothes from and putting all of his mental effort into not dying of a nosebleed (The number one killer of teens in Japan), Rin decides to come back and stay in his house. What. A. Bitch. Believing it all to be the work of the Dark Lord Xenu, Shirou represses the homicidal urges passed down to him from Kiritsugu and decides to stop being a shit and actually improve his life by carrying out the dumb dream he had as a kid to be a superhero (by murdering everyone) and seeking out the nirvana apparently contained in Rin's ass.

Several days of living with a growing harem have begun to take its toll on Shirou as he is forced to actually do some cooking and cleaning himself for once. After Rin defied ancient Japanese feudal law and told him to fuck off when he asked for a sandwich at 2am, he raced halfway across town to rescue Saber from a battle with some dude in pyjamas, just so he could ask her. Shirou went to bed hungry and afraid. He also nearly died of nasal blood loss after seeing Saber naked; the number one cause of teenage deaths in Japan. Being a fucking moron, Shirou also went off alone to meet Shinji and Illya, two other masters, without backup, and could have easily died. There was also some shit where Saber beat his ass in a training session and Mister President's heart was broken when he saw Shirou and Rin walking up some stairs together.

At some point, Saber went off and fought Rider while Shirou watched. The flying purple-haired lady died, as did Shinji, much to everyone's broken hearts. Saber got all wounded and shit because of it. Later, Shirou ended up being abducted by Illya, who wanted to keep him in her house while she went round murdering everyone else because she's bugfuck insane. While he sat there and pondered his life choices, Shirou heard a noise outside and hid in Illya's bed like a little bitch before being discovered by Rin and Saber, who disapproved of his cowardice. After crying a lot and making impotent declarations about ancient modern feudal Japanese law, Shirou and co. attempted to leave, only to be blocked by Illya and Senator Armstrong's brother, Hercules. Archer (Rin's lame Servant who did fuck all for the entire story and will never be mentioned again) heroically sacrificed himself in what was probably an awesome battle while the others ran into the woods. Because Saber was depowered or some shit Rin made up some dumb bullshit about Shirou having magical semen just so she could get off on watching him bang Saber. Though it went against his every belief and the mere thought of such an act made his skin crawl, Shirou agreed.

AND THEN SEX HAPPENED

The next day, Saber is powered up enough by his useless semen to fight and kill Berserker with Excalibur, after jobbing like hell before that. Everyone goes home and laughs about it until Illya turns up and decides to be a shit. Uncertain of what ancient modern feudal Japanese law says about girls who are like 19 but look 10 into his harem, Shirou promptly tells her to fuck off to the Church, where she'll surely be taken good care of by Kirei Kotomine, who is probably good with kids. Then he nearly gets strangled and spends some time training with Saber. After denying her lunch, Shirou is promptly knocked the fuck out by his hungry Servant and has a dream about becoming a cyborg (the true goal of all Scientologists). After being revived he ends up making food, since his life has basically gone to hell already. Later on, Shirou walks in on Saber in the bath and for some reason decides that it would be rude to turn and leave, and instead stares right at her and has a dumb conversation about feelings, desperately trying to conceal his erection. It's not like there's a Holy Grail War on or anything, though.

Later on, there was some bullshit involving Shirou pulling a scabbard out of his backside and using it so Saber could overpower Gilgamesh's OP sword rain with HAX. Gilgy decided that maybe being a dick was a bad thing in his final moments, trolling the fuck out of everyone even in death. Then (After several deaths) Shirou dodged Kirei's tentacles and stabbed him with a magic dagger. Kirei was so grossed out at being stabbed with the same weapon he'd jammed into Rin's dad's ass that he died. Then Saber wanted to be Shirou's waifu forever, but his lack of interest in filthy gaijins from the dreamlands fucked that shit up. Then she faded away and as it turns out, was dreaming this whole time. The ending took fucking forever to happen. After all that happened, Shirou could go back to his solitary life as a heavily closeted bisexual Scientologist. Illya probably melted after a year and Sakura went on being wormfood in the background.

Characters

 * Shirou Emiya: A lone Scientologist living in ancient modern feudal Japan, he hates all women with a passion and seeks only to add people to his creepy harem. He's the unwilling Master of Saber after a sexual experiment gone wrong and just wants to get through this shit without dying horribly. Often gets uncontrollable boners and is obsessed with breakfast and dinner, the two most important parts of the day. Firmly believes that women cannot fight in spite of the fact that he's had his ass handed to him half a dozen times, and is so firmly entrenched in his misogynistic beliefs that he'd rather die than be proved wrong. Also tried to fight off Lancer with a rolled-up poster once, which went badly. Ends up having sex, but really doesn't think much of it.
 * Rin Tohsaka: A professional horrible person, Rin constantly breaks Japanese feudal law by doing things without Shirou's permission and generally acts like an asshole with glee. Can actually perform magic to a degree, but is generally a shit. Likes poisoning food and eating on rooftops.
 * Mister President: Born as Issei Ryuudou, Mister President was genetically engineered to rule Japan from an early age. However, his dreams of world domination have been clouded by his insatiable lust for Shirou, who is totally oblivious to his advances. In his spare time he's training to be a Buddhist monk because religion=superpowers, something also exhibited in Kirei's super Catholic abilities. Is the only person who hates women more than Shirou.
 * Shinji Matou: Shirou's best friend. A real hero. A real human bean.
 * Sakura Matou: A shy, quiet girl who has been bound by a contract as Shirou's slave of sorts. She cooks, cleans and generally looks after our hero, and is bullied by Rin and Saber constantly. Smells like worms, and speaks in an incredibly deep voice, also probably due to worms. Also a fucking scumbag who makes thin shitty soup, yet eats THICK bread and stuffs her face with riceballs when people aren't looking.
 * Saber: Once known as Arturia Pendragon because genderbending and merchandising go really well, she is a spirit accidentally summoned by Shirou and saves his life against Lancer. Mostly she just eats all his food, secretly makes fun of Sakura and ignores Shirou's nosebleeds and obvious boners when around her. Also jobs like fuck in fights, just like in the previous Holy Grail War.
 * Lancer: Not Diarmuid and therefore shit.
 * Rider: Has purple hair and gets creeped on by Shinji just like Sakura. Unlike Sakura, she can fly and actually fight.
 * Tiger: Taiga Fujimura is a loud-mouthed freeloader who secretly lusts after Shirou (or possibly the doubloons buried under the Emiya Estate) and also happens to be his teacher. She objects to his growing harem and periodically turns into either a Shark or a Tiger for no reason. Refuses to fuck off and leave our heroes alone.
 * Illya: The abomination child of Kiritsugu and his strangle-wife, Illya's crazy as hell and speaks with a vague, awful accent sometimes. She's also the Master of Berserker and likes to kill things.
 * Berserker: The long-lost brother of Senator Steven Armstrong, is bound to a crazy little girl and has the personality of a bucket of paint.
 * Archer: Dies like a bitch in the Fate Route.
 * Kirei Kotomine: A creepy priest with amazing kung-fu skills, he has lived in his Church for the last decade, carefully cultivating his mullet. Mostly just gives vague advice about the Holy Grail War and like everyone else, creeps on Shirou with his beautiful voice. Likes sweet wine, hot tofu, and the suffering of others.
 * Kiritsugu Emiya: Former holder of the 'Realest Human Bean' title. Died five years ago without warning. Shirou has never forgiven him for this, the selfish bastard. He had some sick fights ten years ago until Satan gave him super magcal cancer after he killed his abomination not-wife and abomination not-daughter in a dream (Snake Eater). Is probably glad that he doesn't have to deal with this shit any more.